I've been dicking around with css so much over the weekend and,, most of last week too. Pretty much every free moment I get, I am looking at and messing around with styling my site. I've been having a lot of fun with it. Getting confused and frustrated at some things, but over all I am really excited about how it's looking. It's janky and messy and weird, but it's my goofy little site.
I painted my nails black, impulsively, right at the start of my shift and they got messed up while drying but I still like them. I enjoy having grungy black nails and it's been a long time since I last painted them. I feel like I've been so busy and preoccupied with other things, I have not been dying my hair or painting my nails or shaving my legs or anything. I just kind of don't think about it most of the time anymore,, but I still really want to dye my hair. I loved when it was mostly black with a bright green section, I still think that's just a really cool look. Maybe soon.
Feeling very tired and kind of braindead tonight. I finally got my meds refilled after running out on friday, so I went without it for the last 4 days. The withdrawals from it make me so tired, nauseous, and dizzy. I took one today right after I got it, but it does take a bit, I think about a day, to really kick in. I've unfortunately had to deal with withdrawals from running out of this medicine every month since I was prescribed it. Between forgetting to check my refills, not realizing I was out of refills before running out, and trying to request refills after I'm already out,, it all just makes it very difficult. I know that last sentance is not grammatical at all lmao. The point is, I have my medicine again so hopefully I will not be feeling sick and drowsy tomorrow.
Somehow over the weekend I still managed to get quite a bit of cleaning and reorganizing done despite super duper not feeling good. I called one of my friends (K) and we talked for a couple hours while I cleaned up the kitchen. It was really nice to talk to her, since it's honestly been a really long time since I've just called. We talk through chats and sending videos back and forth most of the time. Talking to her made cleaning go much easier, I didn't get very far but I had still made some progress reorganizing one of the cabinets. Later, I got culver's with my partner and went to #*@!Mart to buy some shelves and things to organize the kitchen a little better. The spice cabinet is looking so much better.
Vacation over,, back to work. Yesterday was my first day back after my week off and holy literal shit it was an awful shift. I was on bathroom cleaning, and usually the bathrooms in my building are not too bad, so I don't mind it too horribly much. But somehow over the weekend two of the bathrooms floor drains backed up and overflowed Raw Sewage onto the floor. The entire floor smelled like shit. It was giving me a headache and I'm really surprised I did not vomit. I had to try and mop it up, and that was a terrifying ordeal trying to very carefully mop and ring the mop out without splashig shit-water on myself. I washed my body twice when I got home and immediately put my clothes into the wash.
My building lead called in the plumbing guys, so thankfully I didn't have to fuck with cleaning those bathrooms anymore for the night. I am very scared to see what the bathrooms are like today. I am really hoping the other team that got called in did a decent job of cleaning it up...
I'm hanging out up on campus til my shift starts cause me and my partner are kind of sharing a car for a bit since his up and died last week. I've been riding my bike around more and that feels really good. I have missed biking. Since moving to a busier city, I haven't really rode my bike in a year. It was stuffed in the trunk of my car that whole time. I kept telling myself that I would pull it out of my trunk and ride it around, but that just never happened. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm always forgetting my lack of object permanence.
Speaking of object permanence, or rather the lack thereof, I have been really needing to declutter and get rid of things/put some things back in storage bins. I have been feeling so unbelievably overwhelmed with the clutter in the apartment lately. Last night I cleaned up my laundry basket and put my clothes away. I hadn't done that in a few weeks. My plan right now is to try to break up the apartment into tiny chunks, and just focus on cleaning that chunk before worrying about the other areas. That way it will hopefully feel more manageable.
Time to head to work now. Wish me luck 💀💀💀
Last night I had,, an intense experience taking Psylocybin mushrooms. This is my third time consuming them, the last time I had them I had a very lackluster experience. It made me feel depressed about my art. Last night I had a panic attack. I was hanging out with my partner and his friend, they were watching a movie and I was feeling more and more checked out. I was not on the same page as them, emotionally. They were having fun and feeling lighthearted, but I was feeling,, a lot. I wasn't really feeling like I could have fun, like there was something much more important I neded to be doing. It felt dire.
I went into the bedroom alone and layed face down on the bed, trying not to freak out. My partner came in and tried to comfort me, but it wasn't really helping. I felt really bad about simply not having a good time. I started to feel awful, like there was something deeply wrong with me for not being able to feel good and have fun like everyone else was. I felt fully like an outsider. This incongruety made me spiral even more. After my partner left the room, I began crying uncontrollably. Like my mind was completely melting. The room around me felt huge and dark and empty, like I was alone in space. The only thing that existed was this all consuming feeling of disgust. Intense disgust like I had never ever felt before. Everything about myself and my life disgusted me, having a body and feelings felt horribly wrong. My core self felt off, like I was made wrong.
I went into the bathroom because my body felt uncomfortably hot, and I wanted to run my head under the bath faucet to cool down. Feeling the way I was in that moment and turning on the faucet reminded me of a particularly bad memory in my past. I felt like I was going to kill myself. I rinsed off my hair with cold water, and while I did that, I was hearing unbearably cruel thoughts. Malicious voices telling me how disgusting I am, how horrible of a person I am and that everything I do and have ever done in my life has always been bad and will always be bad. I was crying the whole time. I sat in the bathroom for a while, nearly an hour, trying to work up the courage to go back downstairs and rejoin my partner. I was hoping that might help me feel less,, despair.
Eventually I went downstairs and grabbed some graham crackers off the kitchen counter and ate some. Eating something helped ground me a little, but I was still feeling really uncomfortable. I decided to go into the basement to get a joint, but I couldn't find my lighter. There was a grill lighter near the front door, so I grabbed that and went outside to smoke. My partner noticed me going out the door and asked me what I was up to. He laughed about me using a grill lighter to light the joint and went back inside. Smoking helped calm me down quite a bit. I stayed outside for a few minutes enjoying the humid air and listening to the various crickets or frogs chirping. One of the flower pots on the front porch has wild Queen Annes Lace flowers growing out of it and I was fascinated by the pattern of the floret clusters.
Feeling much better, I got up and went back inside to sit on the couch and draw. I scribbled various eyes and black holes with my ball-point pen. Just scribbling circles and spirals felt so cool, the sensation of the pen on paper was exciting. I was thinking about the Ratman from Portal while I drew. Thinking about the phrase "their eyes were watching god" like one of Ratman's paintings in Portal 2. It's one of my favorite ones. I also had the phrase "Do you ever think about gravity?" repeating in my head. I was think about the intense gravity of perception, of having people's eyes and attention on you. It's something that makes me extremely anxious.
As I drew, the lines looked like they were floating a little off the page. It started to look like a 3D glasses effect. Or like a holographic card. It was amazing to look at. And it made me think about dimensions. Seeing off into forever on all sides. The paper itself feeling like a mirror tunnel, repeating forever. Sadly that visual effect didn't last very long, the mushrooms were wearing off. I was a little bummed about the cool holographic look of my scribbles going away, but I was very relieved that the mushrooms were leaving my system.
My partner and his friend went for a little walk outstide. His friend wanted to leave, and my partner wanted to make sure he was okay to drive. I went outside and wandered around a bit looking for them. I remembered that I wanted to release the toad I caught earlier.... Oh yeah, I caught a toad earlier in the day. It was stuck down in the basement window well and looked very skinny so I grabbed it and put it in a temporary container with some substrate and water. I fed it a couple fireflies I found outside and two of my porcellio laevis isopods. After letting the toad rest and rehydrate for a few hours, and under the effects of the mushrooms, I felt it was time to release it back outside. I wanted to do this with my partner though, so I looked for him. He was sitting on the front porch when I made my way back to the apartment. On my way over to him, I looked down and saw a fat ass toad on the neighbors lawn. There was a tiny toadlet very nearby the huge monster toad. I picked up the toadlet to show my partner. I quickly released the toadlet and sat on the front porch, opening the container with the captured toad. I tipped the container a little, so it could hop out on its own. It felt really nice to see it sitting on the grass. The toad took its time hopping away, probably trying to figure out where the hell it was.
That was my day 😵💫 it is now 1am and I am very ready for bed. Goodniiiiight.
I have been on a little vacation with my partner for his birthday this week. We went camping for one night, then unfortunately had some pretty serious car issues on the way home :// the stress from that has me feeling pretty anxious and exhausted to be honest. But today was my partner's birthday, so we went to the university surplus store together and got a couple used laptops! I'm writing on my new/old laptop right now! It's a Dell Latitude 10th gen. I don't remember the specs beyond that uou I'm honestly not that much of a computer guy. I kind of used to be, but not anymore. As I get older I find myself just wanting simple basic functionality from my phone and computers. I care less and less about new fancy features, it just makes things too complicated in my opinion. Anyways, I very much enjoyed going to the university surplus store. I hadn't gone yet, they have super limited hours. Since I'm off work, I was finally able to go.
With my extra free time this week, I have been playing through DeltaRune. I've been having so much fun replaying through chapters 1 and 2. It's been a long time, so I forgot a lot of the game. I almost forgot how much I adore the characters. Susie is definitely my favorite. Her character development over chapter 1 is so good. I love her friendship with Lancer, and how her getting close to him made her reconsider her violent tendandies. Also Lancer is one of my favorite characters of all time. He is just so perfectly silly and whimsical and just so genuine. I'm very very bad at the bullethell dodging parts of the combat. I have to stock up on a lot of heals and use Ralsei's healing ability really often lmao.
Hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts. I'm gonna go look at wallpapers for my laptop now.